Replying to Anna who wrote to the list that she was ‘Absolutely Lost’:
Dear Anna,
Six months have flown by. Life is full and busy. I just had my 54th birthday last weekend, so we are about the same age. I am also married to a wonderful man. And the pain I have comes from having to burden him with this disease. I was at the oncologist for a check up last month and I told him that there was nothing about the way I felt that would have taken me to the doctor. No pain, no night sweats (an occasional "warm" flash...but then I'm 54),no weight loss. The newest CT scans show "no significant changes". My life has been very blessed.
You're right no one talks much about how this disease will progress. I even asked my oncologist how you die from this. He didn't give me a very good answer...my question seemed to make him uncomfortable.
So this is my philosophy:
1) Life is terminal
2) I believe that one of two things happens after death.
A) absolutely nothing...so I won't know what I'm missing...or
B) some kind of eternal wonderfulness...in which case this time I have here whether 54 or 94 years will seem very brief indeed and I will have time to read all the books I want, make all the quilts I want, knit all the sweaters and have endless hugs from the people I love.
3) I have had more blessings in my 54 years than most people have in 100 years.
4) I could spend a lot of energy fretting about this disease and then get hit and killed by a drunk driver tomorrow and I will have wasted the time I have left fretting about lymphoma.
Now I realize that all of this is easy to say when I feel fine...but that’s just my point...today, right now I feel fine...so I'm getting on with life.
I understand that the diagnosis comes as a surprise...a shock. For weeks it was always there. I remember that sensation of waking in the morning and there would be a moment before I remembered...and then it would hit me and I would just go cold. But it passes.
My time to do battle will come...I hope that I am ready when the time comes. I know that the people here will help me come to terms with that when I need the help.
Stick around...this is a good place.
Sandy
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